Ode to Dan Mandle

This appreciation of a futboler begins with his exploits in another ball kicking realm.

Earlier this week Dan Mandle scored the winning run in the bottom of the 7th (that’s the final inning) for the C+M Kickball team. [The name of that team, embarrassing and unimaginative as it is, shall remain unwritten in these hallowed pages.]

Here’s the scene.

Dan Mandle was on 3rd base with one out. He was wearing shorts and the ground he was standing on was essentially fine gravel -- it was the infield of baseball diamond for those familiar with its substance. The kicker, none other than yours truly, kicked a short popup caught at the skirt of the outfield between first and second base.

Normally on a shallow popup the runner on 3rd going home is unthinkable. But this is kickball, the ball is difficult to throw and doesn’t move very fast when thrown. And more importantly this… is Dan Mandle.

He was off, streaking home in all his gangly glory. Our opponents were ready for this and cleverly relayed the ball to the catcher who received it five feet in front of home plate.

Dan Mandle was about 7 feet away from home.

The catcher turned and threw the ball to hit Dan Mandle (thereby “tagging” him out).

It was going to be close. Like instant replay close.

Dan Mandle did what was technically the right thing but reasonably the insane thing -- he slid.

The ump called him safe and a jubilant C+M Kickball team mobbed Herr Mandle.

In exchange for scoring the winning run of kickball league game (some people drink beer and smoke while playing) Dan Mandle left one square foot of thigh flesh ground into the gravel for microbial life to feast upon for generations.

Here is the verbatim exchange I had with Herr Mandle Friday morning pertaining to his slide. [Keep in mind the “official” C+M Kickball uniform is tube socks, shorts, and a t-shirt. Also keep in mind this so-called “uniform” was declared before the season started so we had no idea we’d be playing on gravel or that games would be competitive to the point where one might be inclined to slide. Furthermore keep in mind very few people actually obey the uniform, preferring pants.]

Mandle: We have to do something about the kickball uniform. We can’t wear shorts.

Me: Dude, then wear pants.

Mandle: I can’t wear pants because then what’s the point of the tube socks? I have to wear shorts.

Me: If you’re going to wear shorts then don’t slide.

Mandle: You have to slide. ¿How can you not slide? Sometimes you have to slide. You would have slid.

Me: No, I wouldn’t have slid. And you don’t have to slide either.

Mandle: But sliding was the right thing to do.

Me: Yes, but one doesn’t have to slide. You have to slide. So wear pants.

Mandle: I have to wear shorts. It’s the uniform.

Me: Then don’t slide.

Mandle: I have to slide.

Me: Then wear pants.

Mandle: I have to wear shorts. It’s the uniform.

Me: Then don’t slide.

Mandle: I have to slide.

That exchange was repeated to the point where it stopped being funny and started to be unnerving. The thing was he wasn’t kidding. He was going to keep wearing shorts and sliding because those are the two most correct things to do. In this way Dan Mandle is the living incarnation of why our conceptions about sentience and reason are woefully inadequate.

Herr Mandle is undoubtedly sentient and capable of reason. But let’s take his ideas and actions and compare them to a famous test for sentience and reason: The paradox created by Isaac Asimov’s “Three Rules of Robotics.” For those not familiar the three laws are:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

The paradox comes in when someone gives a robot an order to not harm a human being, which in turn would allow a different human to come to harm but the robot’s inaction would save itself. In other words, Robot either breaks all three laws for a greater good not encompassed within the laws or obeys all three laws but allows a greater injustice to occur.

In storybook world the answer is clear. If the robot breaks all three laws for a greater good it’s sentient. If it doesn’t it isn’t. Yet when we apply these same standards to Dan Mandle we get a decidedly weird outcome.

Dan Mandle’s “Two Laws of C+M Kickball” are:
1. Wear the team uniform.
2. Slide.

The conundrum of following these laws was described at the outset -- you cause yourself harm. An obvious solution has also already been described -- disobey Law 1 (as the majority of the team already does to no ill effect).

¿So what to make of Dan Mandle’s “Two Laws of C+M Kickball” and their inevitable outcome? ¿What if Dan Mandle where a robot formulating and following these laws? ¿What would you say about Robot Mandle’s sentience and ability to reason?

Within the C+M office I don’t think anyone is more trusted than Herr Mandle to reason and make decisions that foster the best greater good possible in any situation. How many times has Dan Mandle remembered something you said better than you do? And when you balk he gets out a notebook, turns to the page in which he kept notes from your conversation, and quotes your own words back to you?

Take that same ultra-reliable, uber-reasonable human being and put him on the pitch or the kickball diamond and marvel as the same fanatical determination and inexhaustible drive transmogrify into something that looks a lot like a deranged robot who obeys its own laws to the point of madness.

Therein lies the rub for “What Makes Us Human And Other Things Not.” No set of questions or laws could ever capture the essence of Dan Mandle. He is simultaneously the most reasonable and clearly insane person I currently know. To have only witnessed him in action in the office is like only having seen the Sistine Chapel from the outside. Yes, it’s a beautiful building and there’s much to be admired about its exterior but what you fail to see is nothing short of what makes human beings worthy of existence.

If you have ever wondered what the meaning of life is, or what the essential nature of human beings is, do not miss your opportunity to see Dan Mandle do what only he can on the pitch or the diamond. [In a point of concession that pains me, I have to be honest and tell you the diamond is a better display than the pitch. It’s just the nature of the games. Kickball is linear so you only pay attention to one person at a time. But Dan Mandle being Dan Mandle he still puts on a heck of the show on the pitch as well.]

In recognition of Dan Mandle’s service to revealing the essential nature of the human soul -- exactly that which Dr. Faust traded his soul for -- I am changing his official nickname.

Sentient beings, I present -- I, Madnle.