I don’t want to loose track of this: through 7 games your ¡FUTURISMOS! are still undefeated. With one regular season game left we’ve notched 5 wins, 2 draws and zero losses. I think that means we’ll make the playoffs for the first time in club history (provided there are playoffs, which there might not be).
ROLL CALL
I had written a long section berating people for their level of commitment to the club and decided to cut it at the last second because it felt like airing dirty laundry in public. Let’s just say attendance continues to be an issue.
Here’s who was on hand for Game 7:
Ladies = Li’l Pete, Run MC, and Maria.
Gents = Socrates, TB, Big Pete, Big Duke, Heartbreaker, half of Elliot, i.Madnle, and Me.
A PREGAME SLAP IN THE FACE
Yes, only had three ladies, but they were three stellar ladies (more… much more… perhaps frighteningly more on Maria later) so all was well on that front. Despite the fact we had a squadron of gentlemen we were missing the indisputably most important one: Elliot.
As I’ve belabored at length in the past, Elliot is a bona fide keeper. With him patrolling the goal line we enter games knowing we can win. Without him all bets are off and we begin holding our breath because our reserve keeper is none other than yours truly. I have the reflexes of a heavy Dostoevsky reader and a feel for the game similar to a contemplative Capybara.
After handling the pre-game coin toss and team introduction I ran back to the sideline to change shirts (the keeper has to wear a shirt different from the rest of the team). As I was pulling my grey shirt on Big Duke said, “Uh-oh. I know what that means.”
So did I. We were screwed.
KICK OFF
¡GOAL! Maki Guy (4th minute): ¡F! 0 -- Maki United 1
A Maki Guy had the ball roughly 7-yards from the goal, basically straight way. He was actually well defended by Big Pete when he just teed up and cranked the ball. It glanced off Big Pete but still headed right toward me bouncing low on the ground. I got down on it but the combination of the spin of the ball and the ricochet off Big Pete confounded me. The ball spun out of my hands into the net. [An easy save for Elliot.]
¡GOAL! Big Duke (8th minute): ¡F! 1 -- Maki United 1
We forced a throw-in in their corner. It went to Big Duke who beat a defensive challenge and then had wide open space to roam toward the goal from the right side. He carried the ball into the box and then blasted it over the keeper’s head.
¡GOAL! Maki Crazy Dread Guy (16th minute): ¡F! 1 -- Maki United 2
Maki was awarded a corner kick. Everyone marked up and then Maria called out to the ¡FUTURISMOS! not defending anyone “watch for runners.” Then she specifically called out for someone to mark the Maki guy one could not miss--he had dreadlocks down past his waist. His hair must have literally weighed over 5-pounds. The ball was put into play and Dread flew in unmarked. The ball landed on his foot as he leapt into the upper left of the box and he pooched it toward the right side of the goal. I was hopelessly out of position and the ball gently fell into the upper right corner of the goal. It was actually a really cool goal.
As everyone turned back up field one of the ¡FUTURISMOS! jokingly asked Maria, “¿Was that the guy you wanted someone to mark?”
With a smile that was half good natured/half chastisement she confirmed it was.
¡GOAL! Socrates (20th Minute): ¡F! 2 -- Maki United 2
Socrates had the ball to the right of the goal, beat a defender, had a clean look, and coolly slotted the ball inside the far left post well beyond any hope of the Maki keeper. It really was as simple as that.
HALF TIME
Our defense in the first half was superb. I really only had to make one proper save; to clear the ball away from a charging Maki guy with a path to the goal on two occasions; and then had to scoop up a handful of gentle shots on a few other occasions. It was a near perfect of execution of my plan: “Don’t let them shoot.”
The other side of the pitch wasn’t as smooth. We had chances beyond the two goals but the ball wasn’t moving quickly and we were generally out of sync.
Yet despite a tense first half we breathed a colossal sigh of relief at half time and felt sure of ourselves headed into the second half because Elliot arrived. With Elliot minding the timbers all we had to do was calm down, move the ball, and we should win.
¡GOAL! Big Duke (26th minute): ¡F! 3 -- Maki United 2
Socrates dribbled the ball down to the Maki end line, 10-feet from the goal, beat a defender and closed on the goal when another defender headed him off. I’m sure everyone is familiar with the expression “threaded the needle” in sports terms. The pass Socrates delivered to Big Duke requires a far more elaborate description.
Socrates constructed a Large Hadron Collider, formulated an experiment to reveal a Calabi-Yau folded string, then passed the futbol through all 8 hidden dimensions of the Universe right to the waiting foot of Big Duke who blasted home his second goal of the game.
How the ball found its way through that mess of humanity to find Big Duke deserves serious study by either physicists, theologians, or both. Be it Quantum Mechanics or ¡SOLUSTRON! the result was the same. ¡GOAL!
¡GOAL! Socrates (30th minute): ¡F! 4 -- Maki United 2
At this point it was clear things were going well for your ¡FUTURISMOS! The defense continued to shine and we had sequences like this. Heartbreaker (formerly known as Bradlebum and still known as “Braden Stadlman” to many) was near the ¡FUTURISMOS! sideline when the ball was clear on the other side of pitch at midfield. He looked at the sideline and asked if anyone was ready to come on.
“I’m ready,” Socrates said.
“Okay,” said Heartbreaker.
Neither moved either on or off the pitch.
“¿Do you want to come on now?” Heartbreaker asked.
“¿Do you want me to come on now?” Socrates asked in response.
“Yeah, I mean, I’m ready for a break,” Heartbreaker replied.
“Oh, okay, I’ll come on then.” Socrates said.
“Cool.” Heartbreaker said.
Heartbreaker and Socrates were no more than 10-feet from each other during this exchange. In effect Heartbreaker was playing and just talking to Socrates on the sideline while the game went on behind him. Heartbreaker came off. Socrates went on and jogged straight for the goal where he found the ball--passed by Run MC, I believe--in the middle of the pitch 10-yards from the goal and he simply tapped it home for his second of the match.
It was like that. Your ¡FUTURISMOS! could chat on the sideline and then gently jog onto the pitch and score a wide-open goal. Sometimes that’s the way it goes.
But it gets better.
¡GOAL! TB (35th minute): ¡F! 5 -- Maki United 2
Maki United changed keepers shortly after Socrates’ second goal. The new keeper had the ball passed back to him by a teammate under no pressure. The new keeper was standing with his heels on the goal line and he let the ball get all the way to him. The keeper can’t pick the ball up if a teammate passes it back to him so under these circumstances he couldn’t touch the ball with his hands.
Clearly he forgot about this and let the ball roll up onto his foot and then popped it into the air in front of him. When the ball was chest-high, right when he would have simply caught it, he realized he couldn’t touch it. The ball fell back to the ground but was spinning such that its momentum carried it toward the goal. He blocked it with his leg but it was bouncing so it glanced off his shin and was headed into the goal. At that point he had no choice and reached down and stopped it with his hand. That’s a handball and a penalty.
Normally a handball in the box is a penalty kick but for some reason the ref awarded a free kick instead of a penalty thus setting the stage for the strangest free kick I’ve ever witnessed in any capacity.
The ball was placed on the end line just off the right post. So the free kick taker couldn’t kick the ball directly into the goal. He had to pass the ball toward the middle of the pitch. Maki United built their wall to defend the kick INIDE THEIR GOAL. So there were three Maki defenders standing on the goal line just inside the right post. On top of that literally every player on the pitch save Elliot, our keeper, was within 3-yards of the goal. It was bizarre.
Socrates was the free kick taker. He passed the ball toward the middle of the box. TB banged it toward the goal. The ball ricocheted off a Maki defender and hit the far left post but it didn’t go in right way. It rolled along the goal line back toward the right post and was ultimately knocked into the goal by the wall of Maki defenders who were originally positioned to defend the kick from the right side in the first place.
¡GOAL! When ¡SOLUSTRON! is up to her/his/its tricks there’s nothing we mortals can do about it. I’m sure behind some rainbow somewhere she/he/it was laughing her/his/its ass/tail/fin/tentacle/monolith off.
¡GOAL! Maki Guy (40th minute): ¡F! 5 – Maki United 3
I wouldn’t say the last few minutes were tense but Maki had a few chances to score that just didn’t pan out. Dread nearly scored on another pooched kick that just barely missed over the crossbar. Johnny hit the crossbar and the ball rolled along the goal line but couldn’t get in before Elliot collected it.
It was Johnny who scored this goal and whom you’ll hear more about in a minute. Elliot had raced out to stop the ball but his clearance kick didn’t quite get far enough. Johnny intercepted it and there was literally no one in the net so he scored from 20-yards out but the outcome was already decided.
FULL TIME
OH, SO THAT’S WHAT AN EMANATION OF THE DIVINE LOOKS LIKE
I often struggle with putting the ¡FUTURISMOS! and more generally rec-league futbol in a proper context within my existence. I oscillate between feeling like it means everything and nothing.
On one hand it’s just rec-league futbol. There are no fans. We’re lucky if a loved one of some type shows up from time to time to watch. Heck, occasionally we’re lucky if enough players show up to play. It seems pretty cut and dry. Rec-league futbol is a trifle.
On the other hand we have pre-Socratic Greek philosopher Heraclites’ famed position: “Humans are most nearly themselves when they achieve the seriousness of a child at play.”
The critical element of Heraclites’ position is the child-like part. It describes both the intensity and nature of the “seriousness at play.” Game 7 featured performances by a player from each club who played seriously but revealed opposite natures.
Maki United’s second best player was Johnny. He played keeper for the first three-quarters of the game and then finished in-field. Johnny was really good: fast, good ball control, clearly a proper futboler. As keeper he frequently brought the ball up past midfield and at one point even single-handedly dribbled the ball down to our end line before loosing it out of bounds. So he--as keeper-- ran with the ball from end line to end line, the length of the entire field.
Unfortunately Johnny was also overly aggressive, frequently pushing the boundaries of fouling. This tendency boiled over in an incident where he took Big Duke down from behind with a forearm to the back after a scuffle for the ball. Words were exchanged and Johnny was reminded he should relax. Johnny yelled in retort,
“Come on guys, this isn’t girls’ soccer.”
Too bad for Johnny it wasn’t because Maki United’s best player was none other than Marta, the brilliant futboler who played with us a couple weeks ago. Had his whole team--including himself--been able to play like that girl they would have stomped us.
Hard at play Johnny had unmistakably approached his true nature. He shoved someone in the back out of frustration and then topped it off with a patently sexist proclamation for all to hear.
And now for the other end of the spectrum…
Once again your ¡FUTURISMOS! were short ladies and this time there were no Double Ataris to bail us out. Fortunately ¡SOLUSTRON!--the Great Deity of Unitarianism, the One True Religion-like-ish Thing--has taken a keen interest in the CSC this session and delivered Maria into the void.
Your ¡FUTURISMOS! had the horrifying experience of playing against Maria in Game 1 of Season 3. She plays for NÜRD; the club that pushed us to a near club-ending implosion in the first half of that game. I labeled the second half “Our Finest Hour,” and I still stand by that, as we pushed back and played level with NÜRD.
I was impressed by everyone on NÜRD but she stood out. Not only was Maria clearly an excellent futboler but she talked, smirked, sassed, laughed, and generally appeared to be having the time of her life. Of course I wanted to steal her (surely there’s something at C+M she’d enjoy doing well enough) but I was too terrified of NÜRD and so didn’t pursue it.
Maria arrived at Game 7 with your ¡FUTURISMOS! through Run MC, with whom she plays on a couple other futbol clubs. Earlier in the week Run MC and I had fallen into a game of Do You Know This Person Who Plays Futbol and we discovered the NÜRD lady I’d coveted was her friend. The following day it was clear we were going to be short at least one lady and Run MC asked Maria if she’d be interested. Fortunately for us she was.
Keep in mind I’d only seen Maria play once and that was a year ago. I wondered if nostalgia had shined my memory. If anything time had tarnished it.
Maria is a terrific futboler--excellent ball skills, calm at all times, great decision making--but that isn’t the part I care so much about. Everything I saw a year ago was there but this time but I could appreciate it more. It’s as though her mouth is directly connected to the part of her brain that processes the game so as it unfolds in her mind it’s vocalized in the same instant. That may not sound like a big deal but few people can do it. Talking and playing at the same time is different than yelling at people from the sidelines. On top of that was everything else I remembered. Her sassing, joking, laughing, and generally appearing to be experiencing the pinnacle of human existence.
In a word I place the highest value on people who play with enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is from the Greek work enthous meaning “possessed by a god.” That doesn’t mean they have to be the most skilled people on the pitch. It means they are literally spirited, as though there’s something a touch supernatural about what you’re seeing. If you want to see people play with enthusiasm watch children. I suspect this is what Heraclites recognized; as does Goethe’s conception of Dr. Faust.
All humans arrive on Earth from a divine realm. [If you don’t believe me you haven’t spent enough time looking into the eyes of an attentive baby.] When we’re children we’re still connected to that ethereal other world because we haven’t developed a sense of self yet. We just are and the celestial is part of that.
The years go by and we slowly loose touch with that part of ourselves because Earth is just so darned un-heavenly. It’s difficult to maintain that connection amongst the trials of the social crucible of primary education, defining our self-conscious selves, finding money, paying bills, sussing out the meaning of our lives, maintaining family, negotiating relationships, wanting an iPhone, rooting for the Celtics, struggling to figure out why meat byproducts are in so many things (¡¿fabric softener?!), and so on. But some people manage to transcend the daily dross from time to time “when they achieve the seriousness of a child at play.”
If you’re lucky enough to experience a person in that state it’s like looking into a little window torn into the fabric of the corporeal façade of our Earth-locked existence. Through it we see there is meaning beyond our comprehension, something wonderful, something magic, and we are assured.
On the futbol pitch Maria is one of those people. So playing rec-league futbol with her “nearly approaches” the very meaning of life itself. As such she earned the highest Nom de Futbol I can think of:
Diosa (Spanish for “Goddess”)
I’m not the only ¡FUTURISMO! who feels this way either (but I’d wager I’m the most grandiloquent about it). The day after the game I floated the idea with a handful of ¡FUTURISMOS! of asking Maria to keep playing with us in light of our consistent lack of ladies. They all had the same response: a stunned expression and a slow nod. The mere thought of it was initially too much for words (this is a verbatim quote from Heartbreaker after he caught his mental breath, “My dream is to play like her someday”).
The highest ¡FUTURISMO! praise I can think of is Li’l Pete offering to turn over the center back position--the most critical in-field player--which is exactly what she did.
So I will issue my prayers to ¡SOLUSTRON! in the traditional Unitarian fashion: by etching my wishes on a gong and striking it 8 times (one time for each color of the Rainbow of Truth, Justice, Equality, and Comprehensive Sex Education) each day at sunrise and sunset. If it’s the will of ¡SOLUSTRON! your ¡FUTURISMOS! will once more be graced with the divine presence of Diosa.
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