Game 7: ¡FUTURISMOS! 2 — Double Ataris 1

News of the Weird: The Absolute Limits of the Absolute
Game 7 concluded of the 7th regular season for your ¡FUTURISMOS! and we finished with a less than shinny 2-3-2 record. Record wise that either put us at the top of the bottom or the bottom of the middle of the league, depending how you spin it. In terms of play this was our third best season: last season being the best and Season 3 second (that was the magical summer of 2007 where we ended on that stunning tear where we went from being among the dregs to pushing the eventual champion to a crazy 5-6 heartbreaking loss thriller).

I was literally 100% certain we’d be playing 3 post-season consolation games—the un-playoffs—just like every season save the last. I wasn’t exactly disappointed in that fact, per se, except that it was appropriate considering the regression in our play this season. Record aside, we didn’t play well enough in Season 7 to make the playoffs.

The first rule of physics is even absolutes aren’t technically absolute. They’re only correct to such a towering degree that they are for all intents and purposes “absolute.” But as sure as hipsters hate Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III as though they’re one big undifferentiated movie even the rock solidest of truths can, if only for a critical instant, transmogrify into a gelatinous sieve. So tread lightly and believe nothing with 100% certainty.

Case in point—your ¡FUTURISMOS! made the playoffs. I know what you’re thinking, “¿Huh?” So am I (yes, I double checked, not all teams made the playoffs). Not only that but our first opponent is Nuts & Gum, who finished 6th in the league with a 5-1-1 record but against whom we played one of our best (and most fun) games of the season, loosing 2-3.

So sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but other times it’s a port key and once you pluck it up for a puff you find yourself spinning through an inter-dimensional tunnel and tumbling down the English countryside surrounded by witches and wizards. Welcome to the quantum mechanical jungle.

Kissing Cousins: The Double Ataris
The final regular season game of our 7th season was our first ever against our cousin club, the Double Ataris. The DA skipper is King Vidor and over the last couple seasons most of the ¡FUTURISMOS! have played on DA and vice versa. When I saw this game on the schedule 6 weeks ago I circled the date on my calendar and wrote “Best Day Ever” on it.

While it fell short of that lofty distinction it did live up to “This Game is a Good Example of Why I Play.” I’ve mentioned how much I enjoy playing against friends in the past so I won’t belabor it here, but there’s just something about it. You simultaneously want to beat them worse than strangers AND laugh about it with each other—regardless of the score—all the while. Existing in that kind of extreme divide, if only for an hour, reminds one of awesome power of the mind.

If I could sign up for a league where I play the DAs every other week I would.

Roll Call
Gents: Elliot, Heartbreaker, Me, El Duque, Big Pete, Touro. King Vidor was there but played with DA, as he should have as their founder and captain. He talked about playing a half for each team but I squashed it. Playing with his brainchild was fair play.
Ladies: Zarate, Run MC, Li’l Pete, Messi, Photonicorn (aka Divine Light). Diosa was on hand but played with DA because they were short ladies and we had a surplus. Also fair play.

Perfect turnout (in terms of the ideal number of people: 5 ladies, 5 gents, and a keeper) with the added bonus of the surprise and much appreciated reappearance of Big Pete. ¿How excited were your we? When Elliot, not known for his ebullient outbursts, saw him he honestly blurted, “¡PETE! I can’t believe you’re here. Man, it’s great to see you.”

Indeed.

KICK OFF
I went into this game fully expecting DA to kick our heads until the white meat show (RIP Bernie Mac). That was a fair prediction considering they were league champions last season of a division above ours. But The Great Blue Sky was on hand in all of its beatific glory to breathe pep into the legs and minds of your ¡FUTURISMOS! The player movement was excellent. The passing was crisp and consistent. The defense was alternately smothering and pesky forcing DA into shots that required only pedestrian saves from Elliot.

We were on things in the first half.

¡GOAL… DISALLOWED! Heartbreaker (10th min)
From 15-yards out to the left of the DA goal Heartbreaker chipped in a shot. John, the DA Keeper, backpedaled, leapt backwards, tipped the ball with his fingers, and it ended up trickling into the net.

¡GOAL!

The ref took out his book to log the goal, the ball was plucked from inside the net, players from both teams headed back toward the middle of the pitch to reset play.

But no… it was disallowed.

I looked up to see Anakin (a DA guy) shaking his head “no” and John indicating with his hands that he’d tipped the ball with his fingers. A small wave of confusion washed over the pitch for both teams. ¿What happened? For all the world it appeared the ball was tipped by John but fell under the cross bar into the goal. Ultimately the ruling was the ball went over the bar but it was definitely taken out from inside the goal so apparently there was a hole in the net or wormhole. Yet another of the admittedly petty instances where I wish The Great Blue sky was more responsive to my inquiries.

Alas, it is not and likely won’t be anytime soon. So we move on.

¡FUTURISMOS GOAL! Touro (18th min): ¡F! 1 – DA 0
Sorry, I have to belabor this point once again—I love playing with Touro (almost as much as Diosa… there, I said it). He’s like playing with a giant, athletic, good-natured, exuberant kid who wants nothing more than to contribute. He doesn’t care what position he plays, he just wants to play.

As such he’s also amendable to suggestions. For instance, late in the second half he was on the pitch and the ball went out for a ¡FUTURISMOS! throw in. Zarate grabbed the ball and was looking for someone to throw it to. She was right next to our sideline and several us told her, “throw it to Touro.” He was right in the middle of the pitch 20-feet from her. I looked up from Zarate at Touro who stood there ready for the ball. I yelled, “¡Touro, get your hands up!” and without hesitation he threw both hands straight up in the air like a grade-schooler who couldn’t wait for the teacher to call on him.

Another suggestion was “shoot more.” As a team we don’t take enough shots. I’m not sure why but it’s like we think shots should only be taken from inside the opposition’s box when in reality the go zone is more like twice that area. So we told Touro “shoot more” and he took it to heart.

At least 10 times he blasted a shot full force into a DA defender standing no more than 5-feet away. It was like his plan was to batter their defenders with a barrage of crippling volleys since he couldn’t knock them down with his body he’d do it with the ball. True to Edison’s dictum “Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration” Touro’s Goal Through Attrition plan worked (by the bye to all ¡FUTURISMOS! that’s universally true, not just for Touro, don’t tell our opponents).

One of Touro’s attempts to maim a defender with the ball was launched from just outside the DA box to the right of the goal, it eluded its intended target (the defender), and found its way into the lower left side of the goal.

¡GOAL!

Ladies, Gentlemen, Gods, Goddesses, Non-Humans of all Type, and Young People, I present Touro’s first ¡FUTURISMOS! goal. It was classic Touro through and through.

HALF TIME
There were two topics of discussion at the half. The first was how well we were playing. We’d played really well. The second was how Photonicorn had twice had something just shy of an open goal situation to score and instead sent the ball on ill-fated attempts to leave Earth’s orbit. She really did balloon a couple gimmies. In her defense both instances she was on the run and had to one-touch the ball with her left (wrong) foot. But she doesn’t need defense because this isn’t an inquest. Everyone tries to send the ball to the Moon now and again. Just ask Heartbreaker and the kid he tried to kill a couple weeks ago.

SECOND HALF
As is usually the case The Great Blue Sky wants to see a different show after the half and this was no different. We still played well but DA played even better. I don’t remember them having any agonizingly near miss goal chances in the first half. I lost count of how many they had in the second. They had cross after cross perfectly sent through the box only to find no willing foot to redirect it into the waiting goal. We dodged enough bullets for it to have been a Looney Tunes cartoon.

¡FUTURISMOS GOAL! Messi (29th min): ¡F! 2 — DA 0
Running against the flow play we scored first in the second half.

I’m going to apologize to all the parties involved in this one because I’m writing this a full 3 days after the match (sorry, had to travel for work) and I scarcely understood what happened at the time anyway. So there may be amendments to this section.

To the best of my recollection John, DA Keeper, ended up with the ball at his feet in the box. I think he tried to carry (that is run with) it up the pitch a little rather than just pass or boot it away. Either he didn’t see Run MC or underestimated her defensive abilities because they tangled out of which Run MC ended up with the ball and no keeper in front of her.

Again, I’m not sure why this happened, but Run MC ended up passing the ball to Messi, who was only a few feet to her left (maybe Run MC was caught up with John and had enough balance to flick the ball away but not to take a shot). Messi did what the Messi’s do and converted and opportunity into a goal.

Messi was apologetic about the goal after the match. “I didn’t even do anything. I got the ball and all I had to do was shoot straight.” Well, take it from someone who often can’t shoot straight, it may not be bending a free kick around the wall into the corner from 30 meters, but it isn’t nothing either.

¡DA GOAL! Anakin (34th min): ¡F! 2 — DA1
I mentioned we dodged a bevy of second half bullets. This is the one we couldn’t get clear of.

I was playing right back, Big Pete was playing center back, and Zarate was left back. The person I was defending (Diosa, I think) managed to send a moderately paced cross rolling through the box roughly 10 feet from the face of the goal. I turned around to watch the ball roll toward Big Pete. It was actually rolling slowly enough that I could have chased it down. I didn’t. Mistake 1.

The ball reached Big Pete and Zarate was coming round his should from the weak side. Maybe he thought I was going to step to it. Maybe he though Zarate was going to get it. Whatever he was thinking he let it roll by. Mistake 2.

Zarate was probably looking at me and Big Pete thinking, “¿why aren’t either one of those guys doing something about this ball rolling in front of our goal?” And being lost in thought she too let the ball pass. Mistake 3.

The ball then found it’s way to the foot of Anakin who absolutely rifled it into the lower right corner just past a diving Elliot. It was a killer shot that shouldn’t have happened because all three defenders had a chance to clear the ball and didn’t. It was weird but fitting that they scored this way because in exchange for this one strange chance they converted they had countless other un-weird ones they didn’t. A good trade on our part. ¿I wonder how we did that?

Play of the Game: Elliot’s Bullet Time Ninja Reflexive Kick Save
Anakin’s goal was the bullet we couldn’t dodge. This was the heavy artillery barrage that The Great Blue Sky sent ¡SOLUSTRON! to cast a magic force field to save us from.

The play begins to the right of our goal. A DA took a shot that Elliot saved but couldn’t control. The ball dribbled out to the right of the goal and our defenders went after it. A DA got to it first and passed it to another DA guy who was all alone standing 6 feet from the center of our goal. He teed up like he was going to shoot to the right of Elliot, who flinched to the right. Instead of shooting the DA guy tapped the ball to his left where another DA guy was waiting and he blasted the shot toward the lower left.

Keep in mind Elliot is falling away from this shot because it’s the opposite direction of the faked shot. Like something out of heavy special effects martial arts movie Elliot kicked his legs out from underneath himself and shot them out in the opposite direction of the way he was falling and deflected the shot. It bounced high in the air away from the goal and when it landed a ¡FUTURISMO! (I think it was Zarate, but I might be wrong) was waiting and booted it safely away ending the threat.

I’m telling you no amount description can do this justice. So when you get a chance, try it, probably on your bed or one of those tumbling mats from elementary school. Dive one direction then midway down kick your legs out and extend them as far as they’ll go the opposite way. I can’t even do it in my mind. Elliot can do it in reality and it saved the game.

FULL TIME

My Own Personal Faustian Moment: BFF Fast Break Pluto Exploration
I don’t know that Dr. Faust would have traded his soul for this because it might be too much of an insider story but I would and I’m writing this so in it goes.

Run MC stole the ball at midfield, bursting between two DA’s, and found herself a clear path to the goal. She took of with both DA defenders in her wake flanking her on either side. It looked like she had a protective escort to the goal. Of course the DA defenders had the opposite intent and it was going to be a tough shot for Run MC because she was on the dead fly with defenders jostling her on both sides.

As ¡SOLUSTRON! would have it Run MC’s hand’s down best friend in the world was playing left forward. Photonicorn and Run MC have been friends for literally 20 years. She’s going to be the Maid of Honor in Run MC’s wedding in a couple weeks and was selected for that distinction over Run MC’s sister who’s only a year her junior and they’re very close to boot. So when I say they’re “best friends” I’m not using that term lightly. They’re the best best friends I’ve ever known.

So there they are, Best Friends Forever, conducting a 2-on-none fast break. It was like a scene in a movie. This goal would seal the game and it was against what would have to be considered the ¡FUTURISMOS! best friend club. It was all too perfect.

Too perfect indeed.

Run MC carried the ball all the way to the DA box forcing John to commit to stopping her. She then laid a perfect ball off to Photonicorn and all she had to do was tap the ball home. ¿Have I already mentioned Photonicorn is right-footed and she was playing left forward? That means the shot was most likely going to have to be with her left foot… and it was with her left foot that she attempted to send the ball on the first human powered flight to Pluto to determine once and for all whether it should be classified as a planet or moon.

Unfortunately the mission failed and the ball fell short of its roughly 3-ish billion mile journey to Pluto after traveling roughly 50 feet and landing the parking lot. Had Lucifer been standing nearby I would have yelled “¡STOP!” and traded my soul for that sequence on the spot.

No worries, Photonicorn. Take a page from Touro’s book and keep firing away at the stars because the law of averages dictates one of those blasts will land in the goal.

Zarate’s Divine Compliment
Zarate’s complement starts with Diosa burning me as badly as I’ve ever been. I was defending Diosa on the right side. Her primary move is a combination change of pace with a faked shot that she turns into a pivot to head in the opposite direction. I’ve played Diosa and bit on this fake enough to know better and I haven’t let her burn me with it for quite some time.

So Diosa was moving toward our end line and she slowed down and made like she was going to pass the ball toward the goal. Here ‘s what my brain said to me, “My ¡SOLUSTRON! she’s crossing the ball… ¡JUMP!” So I did and, of course, she calmly tapped the ball back in the opposite direction and started dribbling away from me.

As soon as I landed I hustled back toward her. As I approached she slowed down and made like she was going to pass the ball toward the goal. Here's what my brain said to me, “My ¡SOLUSTRON! she’s really crossing the ball this time… ¡JUMP!” So I did and, of course, she calmly tapped the ball back toward the end line, took a couple steps and had all the time in the world to calmly deliver one of the crosses we were lucky did no damage.

¿Where was I while Diosa was leisurely setting up the potential game tying goal? Apparently I felt bad that Photonicorn’s futbol mission to Pluto had failed so I tried it again with my body. I’m not even sure my feet were on the ground yet when she passed the ball.

Diosa and I talked about this sequence after the game and she punctuated it with this. “I like playing against you because I can get around you. I don’t like playing against Zarate because I just can’t get around her. She just keeps moving her feet with her eye on the ball. She never falls for any of that junk you’ll jump out of your shoes for.”

There you go, Zarate, high praise from someone with a divine Nom de Futbol. That’s as close to wink and nudge from ¡SOLUSTRON! as you’re going to get. ¡Enjoy!