SEASON 2 BACKDROP: ¡FUTURISMOS! LADY SEASON DEATH STRIKERS

¡FUTURISMOS! fans, your Winter of discontent has at long – seemingly eternal this year – last given way to the embrace of Spring. Minnesota’s relationship with Weather was even more capricious this Spring than usual (and the two aren’t known for a somber, predictable relationship in the first place). Your Ladies and Gentlemen of futbol are back in action, but not quite in shape. As a result of Minnesota and Weather breaking up we only had the opportunity to get two small-scale practices in before the season began. I’ll level with you; this fueled an unspoken fear I had about the Spring 2007¡FUTURISMOS!

When I gazed upon the Spring 2007 season I saw an Albatross dooming your beloved club’s future. That in the wake of the season henceforth even a mere passing thought about the ¡FUTURISMOS! would elicit a painful retching thereby scuttling the future of the club.

We had a rough off-season.

The first and cruelest blow was the loss of Johnny England (aka Cole “Chicken” Moser). Our leading scorer and teen heartthrob marched to the tune of his lady back to Chicago leaving C+M and the ¡FUTURISMOS! behind. [Anyone who met Johnny’s Irish Belle knows he did the right thing.]

The Fates, clearly wanting your ¡FUTURISMOS! to wander through Hell because Purgatory is too good for us, then scratched out our other eye by taking away Socrates (aka Brian Ritchie). Our surest footed and most polished male futboler (Li’l Pete, aka Sarah Pollpeter, holds that distinction for our ladies) simply walked around the corner to take up sides with a rival outfit.

The loss of Johnny England and Socrates maimed our offense. It left Skywalker (Natalie Lucas) and TB (Tim Blevins) our only fulltime forwards with Elliot (Brian Litzinger) chipping in for a half because he had to serve the other half in the net as our also proper keeper. Our already sporadic offence looked thin to the point of translucence.

The future didn’t look bleak for your ¡FUTURISMOS! It looked nonexistent. There I was lamenting the loss of Johnny England and Socrates, wailing about the loss, “¿Why couldn’t we have lost just one eye and played with no depth perception?” The Spring season seemed impossible. Of course anyone who faithfully read last season’s recaps or still worships the Greek Gods knows only fools and the doomed wager on the intentions of the Fates.

Turns out blindness has its advantages. Without being able to see the path to the gallows we lost our way and stumbled out into the countryside fields. There we found four new ¡FUTURISMOS! Kahn (Molly Fitzgerald), Stilts (Jenny Stoltenow), Kristy Hoffmann (team name TBD), and Mike Caguin (team name TBD).

Kahn was a keeper in high school and even some in college. The addition of a proper keeper meant Elliot was free to play forward the whole game. Kristy was also a college futboler, and a forward to boot. With these two our weakness – a dearth of forwards – became strength.

¿What about Stilts and Caguin? I had no idea. They both claimed to have futbol experience but I was skeptical. Neither could name the only two people to have won the FIFA World Player of the Year award 3 times. ¿How good could they be?

In the case of Stilts she even refused to acknowledge that football/futbol is game played with a round ball predominantly kicked with the feet rather than one played with an oblong ball predominantly held in the hands or arms. I tried to kick her off the team but Fruechte pointed out that it was clearly stipulated in my contract that I had to accept that in the United States the definition of football/futbol is still officially in dispute. Stilts – once again saved by a technicality (“¿What motive could I possibly have to murder a person you can’t establish I’ve ever met? Especially in the light that I proven beyond a reasonable doubt that I was no longer an existentialist at the time of the murder.”).

After accounting for the new and departed ¡FUTURISMOS! your club found itself in an unheard of position in our league: women outnumber men 9-7. That’s right, your beloved ¡FUTURISMOS! is now dominated by women. We even sport the only fulltime lady keeper in the league.

As such the ¡FUTURISMOS! sophomore season has been officially dubbed “LADY SEASON DEATH STRIKERS.”