Semifinals Regular Time: ¡FUTUSISMOS! 3 -- Chickenmoose FC 3. Semifinals Penalty Shootout: ¡FUTURISMOS! 3 -- Chickenmoose FC 2

In case that’s confusing I don’t want to bury the lead: Your ¡FUTURISMOS! won their first ever playoff match on a penalty shootout and have advanced to the finals.

“All of this has happened before and all of it will happen again.”
Your ¡FUTURISMOS! first ever playoff match started at 9am--an hour prior to its scheduled 10am start--and featured Double Ataris vs. Green Mambas. [Nope not the Black Mambas, so Kobe Bryant wasn’t there and I couldn’t use my heavily scripted burn, “Hey, Kobe, ¿you know what we have in common? Neither one of us is Michael Jordan.” Oh, well.] King Vidor was, as always, playing with the Double Ataris but they were going to be short a guy and needed either a reputed defensive stopper or a noted loquacious gadfly with dubious futboling skills. So I played with them as well.

{On a personal note King Vidor asking me to play for the Double Ataris is no joke one of my proudest human moments. This was a playoff game for the Double Ataris and although I’m sure Elliot, Heartbreaker, Big Duke, Socrates, Big Pete, TB, Sohei, i.Madnle, and that skinny cowboy interactive intern turned him down first, he eventually asked me because I’m better than nothing. That wasn’t always the case. Take note parents/loved ones: I want “Better Than Nothing” on my tombstone.}

At the end of regular time the match stood at 2-2 but since this was the playoffs it was on to the dreaded, maligned, but inarguably thrilling penalty shootout to settle the outcome.

In a Penalty Shootout the ball is placed 12-yards away from the middle of the goal. From that spot the shooter takes a shot. The goal is 24-feet wide and 8-feet tall and with only the keeper betwixt the ball and the net the odds are heavily in favor scoring.

The first round of the penalty shootout consists of five players from each team taking turns shooting. If at the end of those 10 shots the game is still tied then it keeps going until one team scores and the other doesn’t.

It’s important to note the famous/infamous Pong was the referee. Pong is from Senegal; Senegal is in West Africa; West Africa is the birthplace of Voodoo; therefore Pong knows Voodoo (just like I know how to make Lefsa, dramatically avenge fratricide, cultivate Champaign, and build a hell of an automobile thanks to my Norwegian-Danish-French-German heritage*). Before the first penalty kick Pong put the ball down and then used a majick marking branch to draw a circle on the ground around the ball. Clearly voodoo and I called him out on it.

Pong protested saying the so-called majick marking branch was a Black Sharpie and he was just noting where the ball should be placed for future kicks so he didn’t have measure after every kick. Fortunately his voodoo mind tricks were powerless against me thanks to repeated viewings of the Star Wars oeuvre. ¿If it wasn’t Voodoo then how does Pong explain this?

The Double Ataris shot first and missed, hitting the post. Then Doppelganger, a Green Mamba, shot and missed, hitting the post. The Double Ataris shot and missed, hitting the post. The Green Mambas shot and missed, you guessed it, hitting the post. 4 consecutive shots, all misses, everyone hit the post. We couldn’t recreate that if we tried. Obviously Voodoo.

I don’t have a clear recollection of the sequence after that (no doubt because my mind was fatigued by fending off Voodoo). I’m pretty sure the Double Ataris made their next three shots and the Green Mambas missed one. But in any event the Double Ataris ended up winning the penalty shootout and advancing in the playoffs.

Because of the penalty shootout the Double Ataris game went long so by the time King Vidor and I walked across the pitch to join the ¡FUTURISMOS! our match was set to kick off. But it turned out My Liege and I weren’t the only ones to cross over for the match; so did 5 of the Green Mambas: one lady, 3 guys, and the keeper.

So ¡FUTURISMOS! v. Chickenmoose FC was in a sense Round 2 of Double Ataris vs. Green Mambas. “All of this has happened before and all of it will happen again.” As it would turnout, in this case never have truer words been spoken.

*FULL DISCLOSURE: I can’t do any of that but I am Norwegian-Danish-French-German. Ugh, ¿when will my ethnic powers kick in?

Roll Call
Ladies: Belle, Zarate, & Ms. Dunagan
Gents: Elliot, TB, Big Pete, Heartbreaker, King Vidor, & Me

On Friday when I sent the playoffs announcement I withheld a piece of debilitating news so as to not discourage ¡FUTURISMOS! fans everywhere. Despite the fact it would be our first ever playoff game we were going to be short ladies.

Li’l Pete, Messi, and Run MC were all going to be out of town. Zarate and Diosa had standing unbreakable commitments. That left Belle and handful of ladies who’d either made it to zero or a couple games this season. I fully expected to show up and find Belle our lone lady.

Enter the Voodoo.

Zarate decided to risk permanent damage to her relationship with her boyfriend. Despite the fact she’s “pleased as the proverbial Pawtucket peach” with the relationship she felt compelled to break off critical plans with her boyfriend to play in the match. When I asked her what compelled her to do so she said, “I saw a black halo around a white futbol as though I’d stared into the Sun for too long and I just knew I had to be here.”

Hmmm…

Zarate is a bona fide amoureux du futbol though so I wouldn’t have thought much about this if it weren’t followed by a truly stunning participant.

Rachel Dunagan had played in exactly 1 game this season, but oh what a game it was. The last-second 4-3 surprise victory over Mad Dogs. But that was over a month ago. Your ¡FUTURISMOS! had seen neither hide nor hair of Ms. Dunagan since then. Yet here she was eschewing a previous commitment for reasons she couldn’t explain. Her boyfriend is a brain surgeon with an exactly 1-hour window to spend with her for the first time in 2-weeks, which when closed wouldn’t open for another 2-weeks.

¿That hour?

You guessed it: 10am to 11am on Sunday, June 15th. Game time.

¿What drove her to slam the window shut on that precious hour?

Oh, yeah. You know it. “I saw a black halo around a white futbol as though I’d stared into the Sun for too long and I just knew I had to be here.”

Ladies and Gentlemen of the ¡FUTURISMOS! Fiefdom. I present to you facts and leave it to you to draw your own conclusions. Pong draws a black circle around a white futbol. Zarate and Ms. Dunagan had unbreakable commitments. Each saw a “black halo around a white futbol.” Each had an inexplicable compulsion to play. Each made it to the match. Without either one we were doomed.

Don’t make me add a link to entry with the story about God trying to rescue that guy who couldn’t take a hint.

KICK OFF

¡GOAL! TB (12th min): ¡F! 1 -- C FC 0
I can’t remember who I was talking to on the sideline but we were discussing who our most reliable goal scorers are and why. We’d just finished talking about how TB has a curious knack for being in the right place at the right time and doing the right thing. I’m sure he’s the clubs all-time leading put-back goal scorer.

Right on cue, a ¡FUTURISMO! fired the ball into the C FC keeper who couldn’t control it and the ball spilled back into play and found it’s way to… hold your breath for a second… TB, who smashed the ball home.

Our first ever playoff match lead.

¡GOAL! C FC Person (13th min): ¡F! 1 -- C FC 1
I don’t know anything about this goal because it happened in the span of time that it took for me to stoop over to pick up my water bottle and stand back up. When I thought “mmm, water” C FC was nowhere near scoring. Before I could even get the bottle to my mouth the ball was in our net.

King Vidor was on the sideline with me I asked him what happened. “There was some passing and then they scored.”

That’s going to have to do.

¡GOAL! C FC Person (17th min): ¡F! 1 -- C FC 2
Some shots could only be defended with Voodoo. This was one of them. A C FC guy had the ball 20-yards from straightaway goal. His shot was on the ground and literally grazed the right upright on its way into the net. Nothing Elliot could have done about it. Probably something a defender should have done about it. Let’s assume it was me.

¡GOAL! TB (20th min): ¡F! 2 -- C FC 2
This was a doozy.

TB had the ball and couldn’t have been more than 5-feet from the end line, 10-feet outside the right post of the C FC goal. The C FC keeper was in good position. There were C FC defenders all over the place. TB cranked up a shot that somehow (¿Voodoo?) found its way past the keeper and through that mess of C FC defenders. The ball hit the far left post and thanks to the spin TB put on it kicked into the goal.

From time to time I look at TB and wonder if he’s human. Not because of his superhuman abilities but because I’ve never met a more stoic person. TB’s emotional range seems run from a brief laugh to the occasional testiness. After this goal his humanity is no longer in question.

TB let out a bellowing accompanied by a fist pump that I momentarily thought would draw a card. It didn’t. Perhaps the ref was also happy to see TB display his humanity.

HALF TIME
I think the mood at halftime was relief more than anything. Not because we were being outplayed and lucky to be in it. More like because half way through our first playoff match we were right there. Without Li’l Pete or Diosa to orchestrate our defense was spotty again. [NOTE: If I’m playing center back and setting the defensive table, well, that’s not a good thing… and it happened quite a bit.] Our offense was fine. We had a handful of near misses to go along with the goals (but so did they).

SECOND HALF

¡GOAL! Heartbreaker (29th min): ¡F! 3 – C FC 2
There was nothing spectacular about this goal which was the best thing about it. Belle got the ball at center midfield with open space in front of her and burst toward the goal. Heartbreaker saw there was no defender on the right side of the pitch and sprinted toward the goal.

Belle ran the ball at the nearest C FC defender until he committed to her and the calmly laid the ball off to the streaking Heartbreaker on her right. All he had to do was get a nice easy touch on the ball to deliver it into the goal and he did.

A perfectly executed break: perfect run, perfect pass, perfect touch, perfect goal. It looked so easy, which is how it always does when it’s done correctly.

When Heartbreaker jogged back to the middle of pitch after his goal I asked him, “Heartbreaker, ¿was that your first goal?”

He paused a moment to think about it. “Uhhhhhhh… I think so. I don’t remember scoring another goal.”

Classic Heartbreaker. If you just talked to him about his futboling you’d think you were talking to me. Then you see him out there and realize he’s out of his mind. Heartbreaker is a proper futboler and this was goal befitting a proper futboler.

¡GOAL! C FC Guy: ¡F! 3 – F CF 3
This one was 100% my fault. Two C FC guys were side by side at midfield, one them advancing the ball. King Vidor was in the vicinity but I was the center back so it was my call to screw up.

Elliot starting yelling at me, “Sawyer, step to the ball.” But in the long moment it took for me to process that information the C FC guy was teeing up his shot from 30-yards out. And a hell of shot it was.

The ball was rocketed chest high toward the left post, spinning so it tailed away from Elliot. The ball just grazed the left post so it made a sound like a hollow metal poll being flicked with your finger.

A beautiful goal and 100% my fault.


The Last 5 Minutes
Often in close games the intensity picks up in the last 5 minutes. Not so much this time. I’m not sure why and it wasn’t like either side geared down at all. It just didn’t get crazy or anything. The game just played out.

End of Regulation Time
On to the penalty shootout.

Penalty Shootout
Again, 5 shooters from each team alternating between men and women.

¡F! Shot 1: ¡GOAL! (1-0). King Vidor missed his penalty in the Double Ataris shootout. Not this time.

C FC Shot 1: ¡MISS! (1-0). Doppleganger, one of the guys who hit the post in for Green Mambas in the shootout against Double Ataris, was still afflicted by Pong’s Voodoo. He hit the post again.

¡F! Shot 2: ¡GOAL! (2-0). Zarate stepped up to take her first-ever penalty kick in her life. She drilled it once again casting doubt on her assertion that she is not related to the Argentine Zarates.

C FC Shot 2: ¡MISS! (2-0). Elliot made a diving save to his right, knocking a chest high ball safely clear of the goal.

¡F! Shot 3: ¡GOAL! (3-0). TB calmly smashed the ball into the top of the net. His third strike of the game. If C FC missed the next shot the game is over.

F CF Shot 3: ¡GOAL! (3-1). They didn’t miss. If we converted our next kick the game is over.

¡F! Shot 4: ¡MISS! (3-1). Belle put the ball just over the cross bar but there’s no rest for the weary. C FC had to make their next shot otherwise the game was over.

C FC Shot 4: ¡GOAL! (3-2). They made their shot, but no worries. All we had to do was make our next shot and the game was over. Taking that shot was none other than Heartbreaker whose foot was no doubt warmed up by his first ever goal earlier in the game.

¡F! Shot 5: ¡MISS! (3-2). Heartbreaker noticed everyone who’d taken a penalty prior to him used the strategy of kicking the ball hard. Always thinking, he decided to throw the keeper a crazy curveball and gently tapped the ball toward the goal rather than kicking it. The keeper threw himself to the ground and then just laid there for a few seconds waiting for the ball to get to him. It did. He’d actually fallen asleep by then but thanks to his excellent positioning--namely, laying on the ground in front of the goal--he stopped it all the same.

So the Penalty Shootout boiled down this. If C FC made their fifth shot the shootout would go into sudden death. If they missed the game was over and your ¡FUTURISMOS! would advance to the Final.

C FC Shot 5: ¡MISS! (3-2). Elliot made his second spectacular diving save of the shootout. Again laying out in a full dive to his right he deflected a waist high shot, poking it safely beyond the right post.

Fittingly enough our first playoff victory was sealed by a piece of class keeping from Elliot.

END PENALTY SHOOTOUT
Your ¡FUTURISMOS! have advanced to the championship game.


Die Unentbehrlichen Award: Belle, Zarate, and Ms. Dunagan
Rarely can a person be told “we couldn’t have done it without you” and have it both be meaningful and true. What we usually mean when we say that is “that would have been more difficult or just notably different without and we appreciate your presence.”

I mean this in the literal sense:

Belle, Zarate, and Ms. Dunagan, we couldn’t have done this without you.

I tried to scrounge up another lady for us but couldn’t because everyone had to get home for Father’s Day Propaganda Observation. There literally wasn’t a lady on hand to pitch in. Considering how close the match was it’s far fetched to think we could have won playing short. As a matter of fact there’s direct evidence we wouldn’t have.

Belle assisted on a goal. Zarate converted her penalty in the shootout. And then there’s Ms. Dunagan. First you have to keep in mind that Belle and Zarate are proper futbol players (Zarate even plays on multiple clubs) so playing a whole match with no break is an incremental challenge for them. For Ms. Dunagan playing a whole match with no rest is a monumental feat. Then factor in that minus the match she played with us a month ago she hadn’t played in 10 years and neither Li’l Pete nor Diosa were there to help call out her responsibilities. Well, her performance was something worthy of a nicknaming.

Considering Ms. Dunagan has a knack for showing up for only our most incredible matches, that she appeared out of nowhere for this one, and that surely Pong’s Voodoo was partially responsible, her Nom de Futbol is: Juju. Your ¡FUTURISMOS! own Voodoo talisman in human form.

I wanted to award Belle, Zarate, and Juju the Li’l Pete Award but it wasn’t big enough. In light of their collective contributions I had no choice but to coin a new award: Die Unentbehrlichen Award (the Indispensable Ones Award).

Once again: Belle, Zarate, & Juju, the ¡FUTURISMOS! first ever playoff victory would not have been possible without you.

Oh, and “all of this has happened before and all of it will happen again,” so show up for the Final with extra water.